The catharsis of being a pig

So I've been making homemade movies long enough now to have gleaned a little something from it, and actually, I gotta say, it rocks. It's not about the accolades from those of you who watch it and get off on it (though don't get me wrong, I love all the attention from your emails). It's not even about validation; I learned to give that to myself in the last couple years. I think more than anything else, making these videos for XTube is an experience in personal catharsis. Truly, I've never felt more liberated and free than I do these days.

As I've explained in a few of my older posts, I grew up with my homosexuality lurking around like an uninvited guest at a Christian cotillion. There was so much fear around it, and everyone around me reacted in such negative ways, it was only natural that I would feel ashamed of who I was. This stayed with me, even after I came out (at the age of 21), for many many years, and there are moments when I still struggle with the inner demons that still lurk inside me. Sometimes when I hear someone say something derogatory about me or my sex life, I can't help but immediately feel like that little kid whose parents were telling him he was "wrong" and "sick" just for being who he was. That stuff never goes away, no matter how much work you do on yourself. Luckily, I know how to silence those voices and get on with my life. Still, so much of my adolescence and formative years were spent trying to hide my "dirty little shameful secret" from people, so much so that I built up walls around me and never let anyone into my heart for fear of them not liking what they saw. But no longer. As you can see, I've pretty much put it all out there for people to see in my XTube videos!

The great thing about it being out there is that I no longer feel like I have a dirty little secret. That's such an incredibly liberating feeling! I no longer have to sit around worrying about when people are going to discover what a dirty slut I really am. Now I can just fucking relax and be the dirty little slut that I am, with no shame and no guilt. I guess some people might say that I'm making the videos out of rebellion to what I experienced growing up, and I suppose there might be a smidgeon of truth to that. But by and large, my videos aren't created so that I can give the world a big middle finger. Honestly, I positively love making them. There is such a rush of adrenaline that comes through me as it's happening. It's just such a heady thrill. I guess in some ways it's similar to the rush that some people get using drugs, except mine isn't damaging to my body and doesn't require the use of chemicals. It's a natural high, one that makes me feel so connected to my sexuality in a way that I never have been before. There's nothing else for me to hide, so now I can just embrace it and celebrate it. It's a profoundly cathartic thing for me. People can still talk and whisper and say what they want--and they do--but the thing is, I don't care anymore. I'm totally OK with myself, and in the end that's pretty much all that matters. I've given up the shame and said goodbye to the guilt and given myself the permission to be who I am and do what makes me happy. Why didn't anybody tell me growing up how awesome this way of being could be?

I know that there will be men who are turned off by my openness--and by my promiscuity. I get to accept that and just get on with my life. There will be a man for me one day. I'm convinced of it. I'm a playful, desirable and liberated man, and I'm proud of it. How could another amazing, liberated man not want to be with me?